Even weeds have flowers.

This weekend, I have been sad. What started out as a good sunny weekend, has turned into tears. Stupid. I keep trying to put my finger on it and come up with everything is new. And the only thing that is not new, is Jeff. So I just want to be with Jeff 24/7 but I can't bc he has school and big papers to write. I know this in my head but in my heart I struggle. I (being a girl) cry when he leaves or I drive home. I guess bc I don't feel like I have anything that is "mine." I don't have a place to just be...and then I got mad and upset yesterday bc I went to the beach to just sit in the sun and listen....I got mad bc it was freakin cold. I had on a sweatshirt and was still cold and yet to my amazement there are really stupid people in the water...which is also butt cold. So I sat there curled up in a tight ball bc I was cold........and finally decided to swing. There are swings right on the beach. It helped some but by the time Jeff got there (he ran ...I drove) I was sad and upset. And then the thoughts came....it is different here, and what about this job...I will probably hate it, what am I doing, and what the heck I don't even know what I want to be.......and on and on....so I cried. and then I cried more bc I ruined Jeff's day. This morning I awoke with the same feeling of tears...showered and went to church. I was late but oh well......I need to just be in church. I at least fit there...or it at least feels more normal.

Then I get mad at myself, Melodee you are stupid. Life is good. You live in a beautiful place, have a boyfriend that loves you and a god that cares for you. Get over yourself and be happy. So I write..and read...and try to listen. I don't have any answers but observations.

Yesterday I was sad ..thinking, sitting outside Jeff's place, asking God please...just let me see a window of you...of who you want me to be...help me to notice.....open my heart to you. Ok the only thing I notice were the weeds. Ugly weeds popping thru the concrete.....weeds are stupid. (by the way everything in my mind is "stupid" right now)....and then i noticed "even weeds have flowers." There were tiny yellow buds just waiting to open soon. I don't know if it is from God or just a Melodee moment but that is what I come back to.....This life is hard and annoying at times and we don't like when we don't know the plan.....or how things look or feel. Everything can seem so wrong.....lets face it People pull weeds. Bc they grow in places that they are not suppose to be but usually they keep coming back.......so even though my fears and doubts are ugly and keep resurfacing.....doesn't mean good can't be seen. Even the weeds in your life can point to God.....remind you of the good. Romans 8:28 "All things work together for the good of those who love God." All things...even stupid tears, and stupid jobs, and stupid cold beaches and strangers you live with........sigh....even the junk in your heart and life can show you a truth about God or His word. Yes even weeds have flowers and as I drive and see a ditch full of flowers.....it is beautiful and reminds me to God cares and creates beauty. I think He may be saying...."hey dork...why don't you consider the lilies of the field.....and the bird of the air......do i not care for them.........don't worry silly girl. Just trust in my word and believe in my power. I got this."

So I ask God to help me not to cry but to see the good and trust in good. I ask that he protect my mind, and heart from satan..and his lies. Help me to see and believe truth.....and for today help me to have simple joy and peace. So I go with prayers in my mind and I will turn on some happy music in my jeep, find a sunny place, and rest. Hopefully by tongiht when I see Jeff, I will have found my "happy thought"