Mom

How can one heart hold deep pain and rejoice at the same time? I have no idea ...but April 25, 2006, as I drove in Carole's jeep and picked up the phone and heard, "Mom has gone home" that is what my heart felt. Peace. Disbelief. A loud "NO" in my heart....as I could look up and see the Lake Shore exit sign 2.5 miles. sigh. Only minutes away, for this my heart does weep. I wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much i love her one more time. And I wanted to be there when her sweet love, Jesus came to get his lovely bride. I guess I thought I might catch a glimpse of him. This week has all been surreal .....I believe in prayer. That the prayers of friends and family has carried me...has carried my family. As we sat around a round table planning my mom's funeral I couldn't help but think.....this can't be real. And how can I do it calmly. I can only say this, when I saw her body...her shell....I knew mom was no longer with us. And as I looked at that body, I could only feel joy. Oh mom, What is it like? What do you see? What do you hear? And how does it feel to be in the arms of Jesus? Oh that we could catch a glimpse. Even now I am drawn to nature.....Looking....hoping.....just to catch a glimpse of the greatness of heaven....or for me.....mom.

And never ever in a million years, would I have thought I would share the gospel at my mom's funeral. nor did I want to......but if you read my Utmost for His Highest on April 25...You will see I had no choice. I did not feel like it....and still I anguish over what I said..I should have prepared or said this or that......I guess I wrestle with it the most bc I have never "preached" to my family....and I felt such an urgency...please please...Lord let them know God. That it is more than believing there is a God....but it is a sweet sweet day to day relationship with Him. Oh I wish they could know and cling to that love in this time. I think of my mother's words...how she was the weakest lambie.....and how Jesus must have picked her up and placed her around his shoulders in those last hours...carrying her. And how that she may have been the ultimate sacrifice for my siblings......Oh God even know I cry out to you..Please go after those lost lambs...bring them into the fold. You are the great shepherd. ...the great father. Jesus I pray that you whoo them into your love. Be near. Be bold in your presence. And Lord in the meantime help me to be more like mom. I lover of your word. Steadfast in courage and strength. Help me to pick up where she left off...calling their names and laying them before your feet.

I have been sad. I don't think it really took hold until I had to leave on Friday. Leave mom's house. Leave my siblings. My heart hurts for John and Emily who are there and have been there daily. I long to be of help...guess that has been the hardest. Just being so far. I didn't get to hold her hand or check on her daily. But I believe even in that God knows what he is doing. I see John's heart softening. I pray for wisdom for him as he sorts out moms affairs.

I am thankful for Jeff. I am still amazed he is here in my life. And now more than ever I find I can't seem to get close enough to him. Can't seem to express the depths of my love for him. God is good. He cared for my mom....and took her quickly. I trust He will continue to work out the details of our lives.

Please keep our family in your prayers. As mother's day approaches...we will all mourn the loss of our angel on this earth....our mom.

For now....I will take one day at a time. I will cry. I will pray. I will remember. And I will read her notes. Rest in the promises and seek to be a little more like mom.

I just wish I could hug her....love on her. Call her...see how she is doing. I will miss her wisdom. Her love. Her letters and notes of encouragement. Mostly scripture but always sign with her love for us and a smiling face. It is these things I treasure in my heart.